April 28, 2006

The Rapture Crapture (Part 2)

The Rapture Crapture (Part 2): Make War for Christ's Sake!


1-2-3-4 -- what are we waiting for? The Rapture Index which uses dozens of categories of disaster to predict the exact date of the Rapture reaches its self-imposed ceiling of 225! All over God's Chosen Nation, the elect (so-called because they win elections), feel lighter in their loafers in anticipation of zipping up to heaven.

Rumors fly of multiple fatalities attributed to drivers and pilots being snatched away by the Lord from their 18-wheelers and crop-dusters even as they toil. (Curiously they're all happening south of the Mason-Dixon line). And what would clinch it? What would force the mighty Lamb to return? Simple. Start a glorious blood-and-fireballs WAR! Screams-of-the-damned, billions-dead-as-the-nukes-fly WAR! Christ LOVES war! Didn't He promise way back when to give us the WAR of ALL WARS (Matt. 24.5-31)?

In Part 1 of the Rapture-Crapture, I said Part 2 would get into why the Loyal Opposition has to pay more attention to this apocalyptic twaddle if we seriously want to defeat the pseudo-Christian Taliban, most especially Talibangelists like Falwell, Robertson, Perkins, Dobson, le Haye, et al. (Actually I have nothing against al.)

But many Part 1 comments evinced interest in the origins of the Rapture -- for example that it has little or nothing to do with scripture having been invented out of whole cloth -- much as Mormonism was -- by an early 19th-century nut-job. I thought one more post about how it 'works' might be useful.

Know your enemy (so long as you also love him).

What makes the holy rams and ewes of the Southern Baptist and fundamentalist Evangelical flocks go all weak at the knees is that the End Time is unfolding in the very same lands they read about in the Bible! Long before 9/11, it had been pointed out by the Talibangelists, with rare historical accuracy, that Iraq was Babylon, the original evil empire. In turn this made Saddam the re-born Nebuchadnezzar, scourge of God's Chosen People. (Jews in the Bible; Americans in the pseudo-Christian 'literally interpreted' Bible). Saddam even tried to rebuild Babylon on its ancient ruins -- one of the most precious archeological sites in the world. Happily it's now occupied by the Marine Corps who dug 500-foot trenches through, built a helipad on, and graveled 300,000 square metres of, the Cradle of Civilization. Take that evil empire!

The Talibangelists aren't too fond of archeology anyway; there's always the danger it might prove something's older than October 24th 4004 BC (the exact date of creation according to creationists). It was a Monday if you recall. God did the whole job in one Judeo-Christian work-week at which point He kicked back and said "Thank Me it's Friday!" But I digress.

If like me, you still haven't figured exactly why Bush blithely earned the opprobrium of history and the world by his brutal blitzkrieg on the Iraqi people (oil? avenging Poppy? keeping Wolfowitz happy?) try this: as far as his base is concerned he biffed the Babylonians. The base didn't need a better reason and they still don't. And now it's time to smash the Medes and Persians (aka Iran).

If these neo-biblical events make the holy rams and ewes go all weak at the knees, imagine what the fate of Israel does to them. Israel is central to the Rapture-Crapture: the final battle between the returned Christ and Anti-Christ will be fought at Har-Megiddo (hence Ar-mageddon) near Haifa. The Christian Taliban, who within living memory blamed the Jews for every ill afflicting America, are now more Israeli than the Israelis. These newly minted ex-anti-Semites have almost single-handedly revived the moribund Israeli tourist industry: they all head straight for Megiddo to gloat over the oceans of infidel and secular humanist blood that will be shed there.

Earlier this month Texan Talibangelist John Hagee announced a new PAC, Christians United for Israel, to help out AIPAC. A lot of questions have arisen about whether CUI would oppose certain Israeli government plans, for example withdrawal from the West Bank. While that's a serious issue, the secret and far more important agenda here, which the Talibangelists keep to themselves, is the Crapture. You see, when Israel finally occupies Greater Israel -- something many Israelis believe would be rather an obstacle to peace -- the Rapture will be at hand.

Here's what happens next in the Talibangelist scenario: Antichrist shows up in Israel and 2/3rds of Israel perishes. This must happen or Christ won't show. When He does the final Steelcage Smackdown unfolds at Megiddo; Christ wins, whereupon the final third of Israel converts (and if they don't, they're damned along with the rest of us). Sound like godly gobbledygook? Yup, but as always scores of millions of American voters are deadly serious about it. They preach on it all the time. Guess who's listening.

Bottom-line is no matter how bad all this gets when translated into real-world policy, IT'S ALL GOOD. The last thing the Talibangelists want is peace in the Middle East. So chances are there'll be a war against the Medes and Persians, however ill-advised that might be. No measured and informed arguments based on history, hard intelligence estimates, constitutionality, long term US interests etc. are going to make a scrap of difference. What are such trivial matters compared to the inerrant word of God? And if it should lead to World War 3 (or 4 -- whichever we're up to by now), fine! The worse things are the better they get.

There's much more to the Rapture-Crapture scenario that reveals how listening to the Talibangelists has undermined sane foreign policy and vital American interests. (For example Antichrist will come from the European Union which the Talibangelists refer to as 'The Beast of Revelation'; understandably the Euros aren't too happy about this characterization). But this will do for now.

Many who hope to take back a House or two in November and the White one in '08 routinely dismiss the Rapture-Crapture factor as a side-issue, possibly because anything to do with religion makes them uncomfortable. I believe it's central to the policies of those currently disgracing the executive branch. In Part 3 I'll look at how the godly gobbledygook can be met and defeated and the Talibangelists kicked in their ample fundaments. In the meantime here's a tidbit from my latest book, the Messiah of Morris Avenue, in which its anti-hero, Reverend Sabbath, the ur-Talibangelist tells us what to expect on that Great Day...